Reevaluating

For as long as I have lived on my own, I have had a framed postcard placed in a prominent place in my home.
The postcard is a photograph of a newspaper stand and the stand is filled with newspapers. I cannot read most of the titles, as the stand is from somewhere in Europe. The reason I first purchased the card was to help me remember my goals.
I said, “One day I will be published in every one of those newspapers.”
It’s hard for me to remember that girl, as I have not been in the industry for almost a year now.
I think it’s still something I want. But I am so far away from it. And I am not sure I know how to get back.
I was unpacking some of my stuff this evening; most of it has been in boxes since I made the move home from Lloyd, and the card and the frame were among the things to come out.
I just don’t know where it should go.

harder than it seems

(Warning: A co-worker introduced me to Jack's Mannequin today. It's the front man from Something Corporate. I am mostly loving it and since it's more than a little emo I am feeling a little sad and that is the place that this blog is coming from. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Life is hard. This has been something that I have been learning.
Moving home has proved to be harder than I thought.
Sometimes I feel like moving home was giving up. Two steps forward one step back.
And sometimes it seems like things are finally start to fall into place.
The casual summer job has turned into a full time position and I really enjoy all the people I work with. But I guess I just wonder what I am doing with my photography and with my education. I didn't plan on four years of post secondary for a job in retail. And sometimes I wonder if it's possible to survive without discounted shoes.
I just wish that I had all the answers.
The other thing that I guess I forgot is that everyone else moved on while I was away. I didn't forget this, I put the wrong numbers into my calculations when I was making my decision.
Like most, I get lonely sometimes. I need more friends. Would you like to be my friend?
Right now I really need someone to see Eat, Pray, Love with me. I have never been to a movie by myself and I am not quite sure it is something I am ready to do. I always like to make commentary during movies and it would be hard to do that by myself. Or I am not sure the people around me would appreciate it.
I guess I am also afraid of being judged. I don't know why other opinions seem to matter so much.
And I also don't know if I could eat an entire bag of popcorn by myself. Or maybe the bigger issue is that I would be able to eat an entire bag of popcorn by myself.
Suddenly, but not surprisingly I am craving popcorn.
But once again I am faced with the issue of being judged for being in the movie theatre by myself.

living in lethbridge

I feel as though I may have left you hanging (although I am not entirely sure who actually reads this thing,) but none the less I feel the need to share.
Last week I was quite excited to learn that for the time being I am not dying! Isn't that fantastic!
I had my appointment with the doctor and he didn't find anything that would lead him to believe that I am not okay.
He did tell me that there is one more test we can do, but then I have to guarantee that I will pass out sometime within a two week period. This maybe hard to do considering the sporadic nature of the rest of my fainting spells. But still probably worth the time.
I think that I will probably plan do to the test after my trip to Virginia.
Anyways, that is my physical health. Now to my mental health.
I have been in Lethbridge with my family for just under a week now and surprisingly I haven't really flipped out on anyone yet. Now please don't take this wrong, I love my family. It's just after living on my own I really have come to love my space and time. And sometimes that gets sacrificed in this kind of living situation.
The reason I believe I still have my sanity is because I really haven't been spending a lot of time at home. As long as my outings continue I should be able to make my goal, which is living here until July and then finding my own place.
And a job. I will need to find a job too. But that is in the books for June.
I am really hoping for a grown up job. Something where I can wear heals and where I have a desk. I really like having a desk and I like having my own phone and business cards.
But we will see.

last day

Today I worked my last day at the Lloydminster Meridian Booster.
And let me just say it feels really good to be done.
I am not exactly sure where life will take me, but I am totally okay with that.
First to Lethbridge. And then the plan is to go to Virginia. And then after that I suppose I will have to get a job. Bummer eh?
And in the meantime I am excited to go home and walk my dog, among other things.
But before we get to that point I need to clean like crazy.
Today I cleaned the over and I am planning on washing the walls after I am finished blogging. And then tomorrow someone is coming to clean my carpets so I am going to focus on the rest of the kitchen and the bathroom ... since I won't be able to work on the carpeted rooms!
Anyways, time to work ... but not at the Booster!

little bit of bad news

As some of you may remember I went for a heart test a couple of weeks ago.
The nurse at the doctors office told me that they would let me know if I needed a follow up appointment ... in other words they would call me if something was wrong.
Being the hypochondriac that I am, I went ahead and book an appointment. You don't just do a brain scan and a heart test without hearing anything from the doctor.
My appointment is in two weeks.
Anyways yesterday, I had a little downtime from work so I was just relaxing and having a nap. My phone rang ... I ignored it. When I woke up I checked my messages and there was one from the doctors office telling me they wanted me to come in.
I called back and they realized that I had already booked an appointment so I was good to go.
But I am afraid this is bad news. So what I am asking is that if you pray to please say one for me.
He (the doctor) told me he wouldn't need to see me unless something was wrong. Now there is the possibility that maybe it's only minor. Like maybe I just have a heart murmur or something like that. Something they just want me to know for the future. But it also could be something bad.
Anyways, I am scared and I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

goodbye to winter, among other things

So it appears that March is going to be the month of blogging ... or at least I am off to a good start.
First of all I want to say one thing loud and clear. I love spring. There is nothing better in the world than mild temperatures, singing birds, and flowers. Especially after winter! God did very well when he organized the seasons. I also love summer and I am very much looking forward to that, but let's not get ahead of ourselves!
So what I really came here to talk about is my Grandma. She has been sick for quite some time and as a result she has had a pacemaker put it. The doctors now believe that the pacemaker is the only thing that is keeping her alive. They have asked our family to make a rather difficult decision. To turn the pacemaker off or to leave it on.
More so the responsibility of this decision falls to my dad and uncle, but I still feel involved to some capacity.
At this point I am not really sure what is going to happen, but I believe we are planning a trip to say goodbye.
It's hard to think about. Although my Grandma has been living with Alzheimer's for quite some time now, she is still a very important part of my life despite the fact that she may not know who I am all the time.
We all knew and thought that this would happen sooner than it did, but when it comes down to it, it's just hard to say goodbye.

tour de alberta & saskatchewan

First things first ... it appears I go through cell phones faster than a heavy smoker goes through cigarettes. I just got my Samsung Vice in July of this past year and already the battery appears to be on the fritz. I have to charge it every night and if I actually use the phone during the day I have to charge it multiple times! It's a little ridiculous!
Anyways that is not really what I came here to talk about.
Last week I went soul searching. Well actually I took a drive. From Lloydminster to Lethbridge. From Lethbridge to Moose Jaw. From Moose Jaw to Saskatoon. And from Saskatoon back to Lloydminster. I basically made a big circle across the prairie provinces.
I went home in the first place to take home some boxes ... after two plus years in Lloydminster I have collected more than my fair share of things. So I figured a bonus trip would only help. Then I also got to see a friend of mine sing, the actual performance was on Friday, but I couldn't stay that long so I just went to the dress rehearsal! I also got to hang out with my family and my puppy ... and when I say puppy I mean 11 year old dog.
Then I jetted off to MJ for a job interview and visits with some of my friends from college. It was fantastic to see so many people who were so influential in my life. It's also a little sad that most of them just fell out of my life after college because we weren't in the same place anymore.
As for the job interview, that was the soul searching portion of our journey. When I got into photojournalism I was convinced that it was something that I was going to do for the rest of my life. I quickly learned, it's not. Don't get me wrong I still love photography and I would always like it to be something I do. But maybe just not in the newspaper sense of the word. So I went for a job interview at a coffee shop. Correction, manager of the coffee shop. It's something totally different. But as one of my friends put it, it's a cultural ministry and I think that would be something that I could like and thrive in.
I haven't heard anything yet. I don't know if I will get it, but if I don't I may just find myself driving to the east coast.
Then off to Saskatoon where I caught up with a friend over lunch. And then back to Lloyd where I quickly headed back to work.
Only 13 more days until I am done at the Booster and only a few more than that and I will be done with this city. I have to stay a couple of extra days to pack, clean, and go to a couple of appointments.
I am excited for whatever this next part of my life holds, life is an adventure and I plan to live it as such.

hospitals and heart monitors

I cannot sleep. I know it's not that late. But for someone who likes to get at least eight hours a night it's kind of a big deal.
Thoughts of hospitals and heart monitors are consuming my brain.
I have two fears for tomorrow. Or rather the outcome of tomorrow.
The first they don't find anything and that I keep randomly fainting.
The second that they find something. I think that's the scariest of my two fears.
I am trying to look on the bright side, but considering my luck and medical history, it's hard to do.
On a totally random unrelated note I got flowers sent to me at work today. It was so much fun! I have never had flowers sent to me at the office before, unless you count the McDonalds drive through booth as an office!
It would have been interesting to know what my heart did when I saw the flowers on my desk. But I guess we will never know! Unless I get flowers again tomorrow!

taking a line from valentines day

So this past weekend I went to see the movie Valentine's Day. It was cute. Really nothing special, kind of like every other romantic comedy you have ever seen. Still enjoyable though!
There is a scene that I am going to use to illustrate part of my life. Probably won't illustrate it very well, but whatever!
(Don't worry, if you haven't seen it, it's not going to spoil the movie)
So there is a little boy who is having a conversation with his grandfather about love. He asked his grandpa if he has ever caught it, funny cause it makes love seem like a cough or cold. The grandpa says yes. And the little boy asks him if it makes his heart beat all funny. And the grandpa says yes, it goes bumpety bumpety bump.
Well that is the way that my heart has been beating this week. And no I am not in love. I am so nervous.
On Thursday I am scheduled for my heart test. I have to wear a monitor for 24 hours in an attempt to figure out why I keep getting light headed and fainting.
I haven't actually passed out since November, so that is good. But the bad part is that I still keep coming really close.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.
But at the same time as I would like to know what's going on, I don't because I am afraid that it will be really bad.

grandma like tendencies

For most of my adult life (18 to present) I have gone to bed at a decent time. Some might even go as far to say that I have crossed the line of decent into strangely early. But that is my routine and that is what works for me.
That is until about 3 days ago. For the life of me I cannot sleep. At present it is 11:32, not late, but not early for someone who regularly likes to be asleep by 10:15.
I have cut out afternoon naps, I am waking up early, and I cannot do anything about it.
I guess I may have taken sleep for granted. Usually within minutes of hitting the pillow I am out like a rock and I do not wake up until morning. And that's just how it's always been ... or at least that is how it's been for as long as I can remember.
And now I am tired, but I know that once I put my head on my pillow, something in my brain will just click and I will lay there for at least a couple of hours.
Given I have some things on my mind. But I don't think it's those things that are keeping me awake. I dwell enough during the day that I have no need to think at night.